With my Mom’s passing, I’m finding myself in an uncomfortable place; it is filled with grief, unknown opportunities, and a sense of, “Where did I go?”
Yes, I know grief is normal and I accept it. When I wrote Mom’s eulogy, I realized how much I am like her and it doesn’t give me the heebie jeebies now. I’ll miss the ability to simply talk with her but more profound in my head is missing the ability to take care of her. I’m not sure exactly what it is about our own desire to feel needed by someone else, makes sense though.
There’s still a little boy inside of me, that 17 year old kid that has been trying really hard to grow up. Twenty years of having her in this condition takes a toll, but I’ve also found it has taught me so much more.
It taught me to love. It tried to teach me patience. It will teach me forgiveness.
And I guess that’s what is supposed to happen. Each event in our lives is a teachable moment or prepares us for what’s next. Because of her, I no longer look for the flaws as much as hope others can find determination to work through them. I hope people can assume the best about someone else’s intentions before jumping down the wrong rabbit hole. I hope, that no matter what life throws at each of us, we can find a strength to carry on.
So here I am, 37 years old, trying to look at the world with new eyes. It’s time to stretch these wings a little more. It’s time to focus on me, to finish becoming what she started. It’s time to iron out the wrinkles and find a new way to love my life and those that are important to me. It’s time to start writing the new chapters.